PushingPlay

There is a side of the gaming industry most care not to acknowledge. After the development, the production, and the shipping, there is the lowly clerk… and the clerk alone must face the mindless hordes of consumers. Chronicled in these volumes will be the voices of those who silently weep from behind the glass showcases. Behold our true torment, and despair, for these are the Tales of Retail.

I believe that harming children is intrinsically wrong and unjustifiable, but sometimes, it’s so hard to resist. What follows is a tale of a few exemplary specimens of the young, modern breed of gamer that we all love to hate. The kind that will most likely go home and spew racial slurs over Xbox Live. Read on and try tell me that these kids aren’t due for a smack upside the head.

Appeal to Authority?
The problem with kids these days is they don’t acknowledge the authority of expertise. When someone is well-versed in a particular subject, their views on that subject are deserving of consideration. I was fortunate enough to have such respect instilled in me by my family’s long line of academia. This kid was not.

It had been a slow day, and I was casually talking to a customer about metal (the musical genre, not the stuff they make at smelting plants, though i suppose the smelting process is pretty ‘metal’ now that I think about it). Two kids walk into the store and come up to the counter. One of them starts telling me how he loves Grand Theft Auto 4, because you can steal cars, shoot anybody, and pick up hookers. He was clearly not even 16 yet, so my only response was to raise an eyebrow. His parents must take a very active role in his life, I thought. He then asked me what my favorite games were. I started naming off some old classics (Super Metroid, Actraiser, Chrono Trigger), but he quickly interrupted. He insisted that all the games I mentioned were shit and that, “Halo 3 and GTA4 are the best games ever”.

As a lifelong gamer I was offended. If he had simply said that they were his favorite games, or that they were the best games he had played, I would not have a problem. However, by stating it the way he did, he stepped outside the realm of subjectivity.

Me: How old are you?

Kid: Thirteen.

Me: Look, I’ve been a gamer since before you were born. I’ve clocked countless hours playing a huge variety of games, don’t you think I have a pretty good idea of whats good?

Kid: Uh, no. (He had a snarky look on his face, his friend laughed)

Me: And I suppose you think you can come up with a stronger Theory of Relativity than Einstein?

Kid: What? Look, I want a game where you can steal cars and shoot people.

Me: Well, you already have GTA4, which is arguably the best of that… kind of game.

Kid: Is this good? (Holds up a copy of True Crime on PS2)

Me: It’s the same as GTA4, but not as good. You’re better off saving the money and sticking with what you have.

Kid: But can you steal cars in it?

Me: Yes…

Kid: Can you beat up hookers in it?

Me: That I don’t know.

Kid: Okay, I’ll get it.

Needless to say, he returned it a day later. I guess you couldn’t beat up hookers after all.

Why Drugs are Bad.
Here’s an extremely bizarre conversation I had with another strapping young lad.

Kid: Hey, what’s the difference between Guitar Hero 3 and Guitar Hero: Aerosmith?

Me: GH:A has largley songs by the band, Aerosmith. It also has songs by bands that opened for them at concerts.

Kid: Is it good?

Me: That would depend on whether you like the band, Aerosmith.

Kid: What time is it?

Me: 3:35

Kid: What’s Guitar Hero: on Tour?

Me: A version of guitar hero exclusive to the DS.

Kid: Oh, can I get it for 360?

Me: No, its only on DS.

Kid: What time is it?

Me: 3:36

Kid: Oh, I’ve got to go! (Runs out of the store)

Amazing. Stay tuned for more Tales of Retail, coming soon.