PushingPlay

Uwe Boll recently announced that he is working on a video game to coincide with his most recent film that no one gives a crap about. Apparently he is quite pleased with the work that Replay Studios (whose involvement in this project has completely ruined my hopes for their other project) has done. We’re not quite as thrilled.

Hit the jump to read 5 horrible things wrong with Uwe Boll’s trailer.

Number 1- The Premise

At first we thought Uwe Boll was batshit insane thinking that there were soldiers fighting in tunnels during the Vietnam war, but a little bit of researched revealed that in fact there was such a thing as a tunnel rat. But here’s where he goes wrong, not ALL soldiers were trained to fight in tunnels, and the ones who did were only issued an M1911 and a flashlight. They often ended up using even smaller guns because even the sound of their M1911 was deafening when amplified by the tunnels. The trailer shows a guy running through the tunnel firing off a gatling gun with wanton disregard. Unless ear explosion is one of the gameplay features in Boll’s debut game, we’re gonna say he didn’t do his research.

Number 2 - The Sound

For the first half of the trailer they try to mask the crappy sound by keeping it at an unbelievably low volume so it hides behind the musical score, but at the halfway mark they crank it up a little. The results sound like Uwe Boll invested in Mr. Beetles Sound FX Kit. There’s even a death scream at 0:43 that I swear Boll recorded himself.

Number 3 - The Lighting

And the aforementioned death scream comes from what appears to be a headshot on a wall. I’m not even going to get started on the pre-Y2K graphics, but the lighting is so terrible that the enemy standing in plain view is nearly impossible to see. In case you couldn’t tell… there’s a soldier blended into the background in the shot above that’s about as visible as a polar bear in a snowstorm. There isn’t a point in the trailer when you can see more than 20 feet ahead… mostly because of a bad draw distance, but the awful lighting definitely plays a role. I would take too much lighting over not enough anyday.

Number 4 - The Double Log Duck

Boll clearly spent quite a long time pondering ‘vut do zee gamers vant to be seeink in zis game?’. After some deep meditation and extensive research he came to the only logical conclusion; DUCKING THROUGH LOGS!!! Boll isn’t satisfied with a single log duck at the 36 second mark. No way. At 0:50 he confirms that there will be multiple epic hollowed out log ducking experiences to look forward to. Just what I always wanted.

Number 5 - Uwe Boll Himself

Let’s take a look at the monumental jerkedness that is Uwe Boll. We’re talking about a 43 year old man who is still calling people retards . Someone who couldn’t just turn the other cheek to critics and instead opted to challenge all his naysayers to a boxing match. His dirty fingerprints are all over this trailer, from the badly mixed sound to the attempts at goading the viewer into playing his game by asking them if they’re ‘man enough to accept the challenge’. How’s this for a challenge Boll… make a noteworthy film before you start spreading yourself thin by working in multiple mediums.